Mirror, Mirror - Sage Support Services

As soon as we are old enough, we are competing. As early as preschool, we are playing games, learning how to interact with each other, learning how to win, and how to lose. For some, this does not get easier with age. Life becomes a competition across the board of our endeavors, our relationships, employment, even our hobbies. Have you ever met a competitive runner? They are in it to win it! This is not wrong. It is often healthy, so long as we are not placing stressful, unrealistic expectations on who we are and how we are. It’s always a worthwhile journey to improve, to reach your potential, to be the best you want to be. However, there may come a time when that nature to compete (to be “best,”) robs you of the joy of friendship, the joy of competition, and the joy of celebrating who you are as a unique individual.

Mirror, mirror on the wall….

The only person in the world who can be you is you. We are all one of a kind. Yet, it seems we are playing “mirror, mirror on the wall.” That person looking in the mirror may be a young teenager worried about her complexion. That person may be a college athlete pushing his body to be stronger than his peers. That person may be an ambitious new lawyer in an office of people with far more experience. That person may be you. Me. We’ve all done it! At what point does the drive to be better feel more like a haunting than a journey?

We have to recognize that we are not someone else. Seems simple. Yet, I wonder how many depressed teenagers there are because they are comparing themselves to others. Everyday. The same haunting. Social media has infinitely worsened this, but we won’t get into that here. I wonder how many athletes sustain injuries because they are pushing themselves beyond what they are ready for. There are risks that come with not being who you are. You can overperform. You can underperform. The haunting continues when the journey could be joyful. Is it true that there is always someone smarter, stronger, better looking? Maybe. I believe it’s all relative. I also believe that comparison breeds contempt. And contempt is really hard to recover from.

Here’s why…

In 1993, I opened a fortune cookie that said “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. Very ironic. I still have that fortune. I taped it on a college essay I wrote in 1999 about my formative teenage years. They weren’t easy. In fact, they were so difficult that it has dramatically contributed to my quest for near perfection. As close as I can get. It’s an arduous relationship with myself. I constantly remind the person within that I am who I am, who I strive to be, and no one else on the planet can replicate that. Same for everyone else. I have adjusted and accepted the fact that I may always fall short–somewhere, somehow, something, some way. I’m okay with that. And if I’m not okay with it, I have learned to accept the non-peace of it. I thank Eckhart Tolle for that wisdom. Acceptance of what is.

However, many people are not okay with feeling “less than” others. Notice I say “feeling”; not fact. Their self-belief that they are “less” not only chips away at their self-worth, but it erodes their relationships with others. They are unhappy and dissatisfied with who they are and what they have to offer, which is ironically futile. The futility of wasted energy and emotion that they struggle with to like themselves surprise the people who love them. Those very people see their shiny attributes and are confused, if not shocked, by the glaring gloom the person lugs around with them every day like an iron ball and chain. It’s heavy! They are down-putting of themselves, their accomplishments, and yes, those of others. Contempt. Even when all seems well, their habit to speak poorly about themselves and others remain…and it’s obvious. Their defeating words match their demeanor, their expression, and their likability. They may insist that they don’t care about being liked. Ok, then why compete? Why compare? Why be angry? An otherwise likable, unique person is not so likable anymore. What a waste. And to make matters worse, they don’t really like you. Contempt. Contempt for themselves. Contempt for others who weren’t aware of the “competition” to begin with.

Are you too far gone? Is recovery possible?

As you can see, comparing rides the edge of judging. I think they may be in the same ballpark. If not, the impact of over-comparing starts to feel judgy when you’re on the receiving end of it. You can’t figure out why someone has suddenly become your rival. You notice because, basically, they’re being a jerk to you. Remember, comparison breeds contempt! This often looks like “jerk”. Fortunately, you can safeguard yourself from this toxic travesty by giving yourself a chance to be you. Everyone is in the same playing field, but those who appreciate the distinctive qualities they bring to the “game” often end up shining brighter. Even if they are “less” talented, or “less” attractive, or “less” in some other way, they exceed and succeed because they did not allow the contaminant of judgy, contemptuous comparing to pollute their game. If they did, I’d call a “foul” on that! Much like a competitive game of ball, expect the other side to make their free throws. You shouldn’t have fouled to start with. Not like that.

Comparing or self-judging often leads to the very outcome you’re wanting to avoid. Just like in the game above. It is counterproductive. It never goes to a better place. You feel worse and worse. You may end up being someone who hates others but without cause. You’ll conjure up reasons why others are “bad” or “wrong” for being who they are or living their life as they do. Ultimately, the problem is you. And it is your problem alone, your problem to carry, your problem to resolve. This is not a cold attack. It’s an opportunity to recover from a debilitating (and preventable) emotional “flu”, and you’re the only one who can choose that course of action. Your prescription is to give yourself a chance. How do you do that? Start with believing in yourself. Your birth into this world is no different than anyone else’s. You’re here. You’re supposed to be here. Figure out how you want to spend your very valuable time and leave what others do out of it. They are not part of your equation. You are your own common denominator. Do the math, and make the most out of who you are and how you want to be. A therapist can help. It takes courage to speak with a professional whose job is to help you know yourself. Give yourself a point for recognizing that. Enjoy the life you have by accepting the golden parts of you. Yes, there are parts that may not shine so bright, but as the 1985 movie “Goonies” points out, eventually, “they’ll catch up to the parts that do.”